Opening Up

08/07/14

Sometimes I imagine myself fighting for the world. You know, helping those in poverty. Helping the environment. Sticking it to the billionaires and those with more than they deserve. It's a satisfying fantasy, you know?

I'm not an emotional person. Not much. It's not that I hide them, I don't think. Though I used to, when they first started bubbling out of me. Well, I used them to get my way as a small child, but that was beat out of me really fast. Then I would fight them as hard as I could, which often led to my older siblings and certain others coaxing them out of me. But that was me being emotional over selfish things, really.

I often lacked empathy as a child. I didn't understand people. I could fake it pretty well, but there was a smugness to it. Like, I offered to take my sister's punishment for something, and my sister was not grateful, because she could tell I was doing it for appearances. I was five then.

I was antisocial as a kid. A classic introvert (I think). I kept my number of friends pretty small. I stayed pretty attached to just one person at a time for long periods of time. I would lose touch with everyone else as time went on. I would lose touch with that one friend after moving onto another. I guess I was a "best friend" kind of person, looking back on it.

I hated noise. It grated me so much. The sound of my shoes skidding along the floor annoyed me so much it conditioned me to not drag my feet. My first day of 4th grade, I asked the teacher if it was really okay for the class to be so loud. He inferred that in Canada (where I moved from), the classrooms were much quieter.

They were not. They still aren't, as far as I'm aware.

I grew insufferable. People were stupid. Most, anyways. I knew everything. I assumed everyone thought how I thought, and that when people made decisions different than how I would that they either knew less than me or more (I usually assumed less). There were not differences of opinion, someone knew more and someone knew less.

I hated to lose. I really hated to lose. I hated anything other than winning the way I wanted to win. Being infereior was unacceptable. Being equal was unacceptable. Imperfection was unacceptable. 105% on a test wasn't good enough, I argued with the teacher that it should be 110%. I stalemated a classmate in chess and I spent a good five minutes literally kicking and screaming on the floor. I was fifteen then.

The path to a more humble and caring me has been incredibly gradual. It started around when I was fifteen and is still ongoing to this day....

It seems I've run out of emotional steam....

To be continued....