Meditation (Day 129)

Prep (0930)

I'm doing a new thing today with prep. I'll do every part of prep except for posture stuff off the cushion. Then, as soon as I sit on cushion, I'll start timer as usual, but I can start with posture. This means either giving posture more time (good) or having more meditating on the focus object (also good).

This also means that I can check against my written notes right after doing a prep stage. I have it set up in notion to hide my notes below a fold. I'll first recite what I think the prep is, then check the prep, and update the template as appropriate.

The prep document will also be a good place for generic notes. Hence a template and not a static page in Notion.

Though perhaps making all these places where I do general thinking along a theme a static page makes more sense? Could very quickly see what yesterday me had to say....

Worth considering, actually.

Intentions for the day will live there, and be copied here after I have decided on them. Should stay the same, mostly, but now they won't be hanging there when I init this document in the morning.

• Practice Intentionality (set specific intentions)
• Unity of mind
• Subduing distractions
• Overcoming the illusion of self

Intentions for the day:

• Stay in posture part of prep until you're prepared to set the intention to stay still
• Body-scan during the "focus on the breath throughout the body" beginning part of meditation (stage 5)
• Body-scan when few distractions and when focus not as vivid as could be (stage 5)
• Set the intention to focus attention exclusively on the meditation object (the breath)
• Keep awareness strong so that it can stop distractions and dullness from interfering
• Specifically be aware of posture and do not give it attention
• Set the intention to stay completely still
• Do not feed distractions with attention (even with labeling now), instead just list the ones you remember during post-meditation reflection

Post-Meditation (1100)

Cardcaptor Sakura opening theme has now broken record for most meditations stuck in head. It was very rare for a song to show up more than two days in a row, this one has been around for a least a week. Think I'll actually memorize it, as I read that's a good way to get a song out of your head (apparently, the loop is stuck sometimes because the brain doesn't know how to end it and so will pattern match an earlier part of the song, basically it's the song that never ends rules). Though, also, new intention to subdue subtle distractions may help a lot.

Today is, once again, new best day. I believe it is due to new (stage 6) intention: "focus exclusively on the breath". This intention made sure that distractions were subtle at worst. Though, still lots of subtle distractions. It's a mind-training exercise. Intention alone does a lot, but training is going to be the main thing. But I noticed a "focus exclusively on the breath" alarm basically right as a subtle distraction budded.

The breath was very vivid. The session did not feel longer like I anticipated, but I believe that is due to the novelty of what I was doing, and also a lot more narration to return to the breath. I may work on having an alarm without the narration, but typically narration is a good bit of beginning scaffolding.

Very excited to read the rest of stage 6 (and also stage 7) and make Anki notes out of key takeaways.

If today is repeatable, stage 4 mastery will be checked on Sunday, October 18th (2020).

Dream

It occurs to me that although I log my dreams before meditation (usually), I don't digitize them and then put them into this document until much later. As such, better to put it below meditation.

Intention (2305 the night before)

Watch myself fall asleep. Incubate the donuts.

Try to summon donuts if I'm mindful in the dream. WBTS. WILD.

Still feeling good! Lots of stuff to play with.

Let's also wake up at 0720.

I'm in the Middle

I believe I am a member of the Malcolm in the Middle family. Our mischeif has just put Hal in terrible danger. He has inhaled nitrous and is at the bottom of a creek in a vehicle.

We are getting chewed out by Lois.

There's more to the narrative, but I can't get at it. That's all I remember.

Wake-Back-to-Sleep (logged at 0350 this morning)

Remembered an early REM dream. A bit, anyways.

Incubating donuts and watching myself fall asleep (WILD attempt).

Dream Fragment

Conserving resources in a war-ravaged landscape.

Strawberry Pink Walls

I am on a bus. People are complaining about the new driver. "Apparently today is her 18th birthday," someone says. She keeps forgetting to stop at her stops. My stop is coming up. I pull the cord to signal. She stops the bus, but doesn't let me out.

"Aren't you going to let me out?" She tells me no and I jump out of the bus. I may have jumped through a closed window, but it didn't break or anything.

I'm visiting the area for some reason. It feels like a work trip, but I never go to work.

I am on a bus again. I have opinions about this bus route. I tell the driver they should stop at this stop that's along the route that the bus doesn't stop at because there's a left turn fairly soon after it. The driver ignores my advice.

It turns out I was telling the driver this so that a person would get off at this more convenient stop, and then the person who got on at the next stop wouldn't cause a fight (these two people were angry at each other). A minor interaction occurs, and one of them get off the bus early.

I'm trying to get to my friend's new house, but I'm having trouble. I call to ask for directions. It becomes a video call, and a 3D fly-over view shows me where she lives. No bus routes to get there.

But now I'm there and getting a tour. I can only see things from an isometric view, fixed angle, but I can see thru the wall to the inside. Kinda like the Sims.

The walls are pink. Something seems particularly relevant about them. I ask what color they are, but my friend consistently gives the wrong answer. I realize now as I write this down that it was the same pink as the strawberry donut frosting.

I am home now, but it's a dream home. I "remember" taking a flight home. I go to take a shower, but wife using it. I join her.

Wake (logged at 0728 this morning)

I laid still and said some common dream tags when I woke up. Eventually, I found a dream I remembered, though it had none of the tags I went over at the time (does have some dream tags I've made before, though).

Also, the color of strawberry donuts showed up and I was calling it out. That's interesting. Going to tag that dream as "incubated" and "tricky".

Pre-nap (1345)

No lucid dream last night, but maybe the pink walls were close to causing a DILD? It was hard to keep the mind focused both times falling asleep. Really solid that WBTS happened, though.

Anyways, let's nap.

Post-nap (1415)

Cardcaptor Sakura theme still playing. Something about focusing on the breath triggers it now. I'll work on it.

Visualized an endless blue sea today. This was a trick I used back in the day to avoid visualizing something that would cause me to move in real life (and thus wake me up). For example, if I visualized walking, I would trip, go to catch myself, and wake myself up doing that movement in real life. But swimming in an endless blue (in all directions) avoided this.

Perhaps this could be worked into my WILD technique?

Napping continues to melt away all the things.

I also did some analysis on Japanese studying:

• should just go ahead and watch some shows without subtitles (that I don't care about) and do my best (神庭って)
• should go through that textbook I have (みんなの日本語)

Experimental

No special meditation today. Though trying out stage 6 stuff was pretty new and interesting, and seemed to last with me throughout the day (in a good way).

General Thinking

Once again I come upon "Call Think about Babuska, grandparents, people who're gone"....

I have had this physical card since August 22nd, 2014. On the back I noted its creation. I also noted the day Babuska died, on February 17th, 2015. And on the 21st I crossed out "Call" and wrote "Think about" above (adding grandparents and people who're gone to then end).

I called her every week for about 16 weeks. I called her plenty before, but this reminder made it a consistent weekly thing.

One of the calls, she told me how she wasn't going to be around much longer. She did this a lot, actually. Every time I told she'd be around another 20 years at least. This time she pushed back a bit. "I'm ready to go," I think she said. Tears started flowing, no control. My voice cracked. I told her how it made me feel, and she was understanding but still firm.

She had a way in saying "I love you" that was all hers. It was like she was singing it, with extra height and emphasis on the "love". She managed to say it that way even on her death bed.

I know she wasn't perfect, though my experience with her was only positive. All of her kids didn't seem to like her very much. But still, you know, I have this pure love for her. And I'm glad I have this physical card to remind me to think of her. Maybe instead of adding those generics, each person I want to think about should get their own. Perhaps there's something strong about the physicality of it.

Today's dreams will be digitized tomorrow.