Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	SLEEP
0630	Meditation
0700	Cooking/eating breakfast
0730	Reading: The Wretched of the Earth
0800	Morning routine	Reading: Blogs
0830	Spaced-repetition	Morning routine
0900	Spaced-repetition	Work: Slack
0930	Stretching	Spaced-repetition
1000	Stretching
1030	Maintenance: Notion Tasks	Stretching
1100	Running 2.5 miles	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1130	Shower/maintenance	Running 2.5 miles
1200	Lunch	Show/maintenance
1230	NAP	Lunch/TV: YouTube Overwatch
1300	Buffer	NAP
1330	Work: Data Classification Tasks	Work: Maintenance
1400	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1430	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1500	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1530	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1600	Buffer	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1630	Meeting: Mixpanel Meditation	TV: YouTube MTG Arena
1700	Cooking block	TV: YouTube MTG Arena
1730	Cooking block	TV: YouTube Overwatch
1800	Music with wife	TV: The Legend of Korra
1830	Buffer	Music with wife
1900	Hanging out	TV: The Legend of Korra
1930	Hanging out	TV: The Legend of Korra
2000	Hanging out	Hanging out
2030	Winding down	Reading: The Wretched of the Earth
2100	SLEEP
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Dream

I dreamt that the wife and I were out about the town. We ended up going to an Indian restaurant, and were surprised to find it being run by my former employer (when I worked at an Indian restaurant). The place was empty, so Prasad and I started talking. But then suddenly it was full and I decided to help deal with the lunch rush.

At some point I became concerned with COVID19, and decided to bid Prasad farewell and leave the crowded place.

I vaguely recall some sort of parking garage scene afterwards. There was, like, a sword-fight or something. I can't remember it too well.

Meditation (Day 12)

I'm feeling fairly confident that meditation is causing my enduring daily energy. Specifically, I believe the training I've done to keep my mind in the present helps me keep my mind from spending so much energy thinking about things I have no intention of acting upon. That stuff is draining, and when I focus on staying in the present (like specifically during a meditation session) I can feel my mind charging.

That "headache" that I only would notice when it was gone, I think was this constant strain of thinking. Because that headache has been gone for like 10 days now, though I notice something similar after a day of phycially talking with a bunch of people last Sunday. Which makes me think that I can tire myself out just like talking with others tires me out. Perhaps it isn't an introvert/extrovert thing. Perhaps it is the tangling of thoughts in my mind.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	SLEEP
0630	Meditation
0700	Cooking/eating breakfast
0730	Reading: The Wretched of the Earth
0800	Morning routine	Talking: DMs
0830	Spaced-repetition	Reading: JK Rowling is wrong about trans people
0900	Stretching	Morning routine/Spaced repetition
0930	Meeting: Mixpanel Meditation
1000	Stretching
1030	Stretching
1100	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1130	Work: OpsLead Task	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1200	Lunch
1230	NAP	TV: John Oliver
1300	Buffer	Shower/Talking
1330	Work: OpsLead Task
1400	Meeting: OpsLead Handoff
1430	Work: Data Classification Tasks	Work: OpsLead Task
1500	Work: Data Classification Tasks	Work: OpsLead Task
1530	Appointment: Therapist
1600	Appointment: Therapist
1630	Buffer	Work: OpsLead Task
1700	Walking to the CHAZ	Work: OpsLead Task
1730	Walking to the CHAZ	Work: OpsLead Task
1800	Walking to the CHAZ	Walk with wife
1830	Walking to the CHAZ	Cooking
1900	Hanging out	TV: YouTube Overwatch
1930	Hanging out	TV: Legend of Korra
2000	Hanging out	TV: Legend of Korra
2030	Winding down	TV: Legend of Korra
2100	SLEEP
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Thinking

I actually did do my weekly review yesterday! Kinda. Made a list and did the list. I'm not sure how much of it will make it to these here public logs. Monthly review did not happen, however.

My energy levels continue to be solid. Yesterday I was noticeably tired, but I did a day of errands and feel refreshed today, still. My goal is to start getting more hours of work in per day this week. According to my Toggl, it's still pretty low. Not going to actually share it because them these measurements become closer to targets, and I am avoiding Goodhart's Law ("a measure which becomes a target ceases to be a good measure"). It is a purely leading measurement, and I want to report only on the important lagging results. And lagging results will take a while to come in anyways.

Meditation (Day 11)

A counting breaths system to work with: The Mind Illuminated recommends counting the in- and out-breaths together as one, and also to place the count at a place that doesn't come naturally. A lot of people consider the in-breath the beginning of the breath, so the author recommends counting on the out-breath (aka "one", out-breath, in-breath, "two", out-breath, in breath). I combined this with counting in binary, and start the count at the out-breath, but put each number in a stage. So "zero" during out-breath, "one" during the pause between out and in, "one" during in-breath, and silence during the pause between in-breath and out-breath (where I most want to put a number).

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	SLEEP
0630	Meditation
0700	Cooking/eating breakfast
0730	Reading: The Wretched of the Earth
0800	Morning routine
0830	Spaced-repetition
0900	Stretching
0930	Stretching
1000	Call with brother	Email composition
1030	Buffer	Email composition
1100	Weekly Review	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1130	Monthly Review	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1200	Lunch	Call with brother
1230	NAP	Call with brother
1300	Yearly Review	Lunch
1330	Maintenance: Notion Tasks	TV: YouTube Overwatch
1400	Maintenance: Notion Tasks	NAP
1430	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1500	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1530	Buffer	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1600	Music with wife	Captioning wife's song
1630	Buffer	Captioning wife's song
1700	Cooking block	Gaming: MTG Arena with cousin
1730	Cooking block	Gaming: MTG Arena with cousin
1800	Side-projects	Gaming: MTG Arena with cousin
1830	Side-projects	TV: The Legend of Korra
1900	Hanging out	TV: The Legend of Korra
1930	Hanging out	TV: The Legend of Korra
2000	Hanging out	TV: The Legend of Korra
2030	Winding down
2100	SLEEP
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Dream

Had a dream about being in school again. My classmater included people whom I work with now.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	SLEEP	Meditation
0630	Meditation	Cooking breakfast
0700	Cooking/eating breakfast	Reading: The Wretched of the Earth
0730	Reading: The Wretched of the Earth	Eating breakfast/DMing people
0800	Morning routine
0830	Planning
0900	Stretching
0930	Stretching
1000	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1030	Buffer
1100	Grocery shopping
1130	Grocery shopping
1200	Lunch
1230	NAP
1300	Wife's day
1330	Wife's day
1400	Wife's day
1430	Wife's day
1500	Wife's day
1530	Wife's day
1600	Wife's day
1630	Wife's day
1700	Wife's day
1730	Wife's day
1800	Wife's day
1830	Wife's day
1900	Wife's day
1930	Wife's day
2000	Wife's day
2030	Winding down
2100	SLEEP
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

The Return of Wife's Day

So, since the pandemic started, I haven't really been following through an agreement I made with my wife: "Saturdays belong to wife, Sundays belong to me." I intend to return to proper wife's day today, with some caveats.

1. Wife's day does not start until after I do my daily maintenance
2. There are some things I can plan for Saturday if they can not be planned for Sunday

So, a large chunk of today's timeblock is, as it used to be, "Wife's day."

Black Lives Matter

Oh, yeah, I haven't explicitly said anything about this here. I'm in full support of Black Lives Matter. Any condemnation of violence is a condemnation of the police, as far as I'm concerned. I'm also fully in support of the notion that "All Cops are Bad" (which is a systemic argument, not an individual one).

Defund the police. Think about what jobs the police are supposed to be working on, and create a new or multiple new departments towards that end. Don't call them the police.

Meditation (Day 8)

This morning, expecting the resistance, I had a much better meditation session. Though there was quite a bit of difficulty staying with the meditation object. I had to redo the four steps (present, body, breaths, breaths at the nose) a couple of times. I also broke my stillness as there was some periodic noise that sounded like dripping coming from the matt. I though maybe I was dripping sweat, but I think the subtle shifting of weight to naturally keep me stable caused a sort of creaking. It went away after two resettlings of my sitting posture.

But I think maybe I should've tried more to "let it be". The problem was that I had the perspective of control, so I took it, but sometimes distractions come without my control, and I have to accept it. And I have found that I can. I'll play with this kind of problem in the future, so it's not a big deal. Luckily, I have given up the illusion of control on itches and discomfort, and so do not try to remedy those, to great joy.

So, about two days into meditation, I started meditating with my eyes open (as various sources recommend you can do). This has led to various interesting experiences. It is too much to go into all of them today, but I'll at least name all of them in a bulleted-list:

• Sight missing from attention and awareness (a pseudo-blindness)
• Color draining from vision
• Vision bluriness as a distraction
• Vision cloudiness
• Stronger attention when closing my eyes after several minutes with eyes open

The last three were experienced today (and the last two were experienced for the first time today). I want to discuss the last one, though. I decided that my vision was being a bit too distracting and so carefully and intentionally decided to close my eyes. With a sense no longer providing moments of consciousness, I could feel my awareness and attention get stronger elsewhere, and was much more capable of staying with the breath, as well as observing more of the breath.

This is something that was noted in The Mind Illuminated. In the book, he gives you a process for strengthening you awareness and attention via body scanning. By slowly increasing how much of the body you are observing, you improve the control and scope of attention, and exercise and strengthen the total power of consciousness. While doing this, you suddenly return to the breath at the nose to use the full power of attention of a body-scan on just the breath at the nose.

Now, I'm pretty far from the stage where this is recommended, I think (it's something to do in Stage 5 and I'm between Stage 3 and Stage 4). But it seems I can play with the concept via which senses are active and which are not. Though the main one I have control over is sight.

....

Thinking on it, however, I could use headphones and a timed-transition between white-noise and silence to play with it for hearing, as well.

Hmmm... something to consider.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	SLEEP
0630	Meditation
0700	Cooking/eating breakfast
0730	Reading: The Wretched of the Earth	Hanging out
0800	Morning routine
0830	Planning	Spaced-repetition
0900	Stretching
0930	Meeting: Mixpanel Meditation
1000	Maintenance: Notion Tasks	Stretching
1030	Buffer	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1100	Exercise block	Grocery shopping
1130	Exercise block	Grocery shopping
1200	Lunch	Grocery shopping
1230	NAP	Grocery shopping
1300	Buffer	Shower/maintenance
1330	Work	Lunch
1400	Meeting: Admin Team Weekly Sync
1430	Work	TV: YouTube MTG Arena
1500	Work	Work: OpsLead Task
1530	Buffer	Work: OpsLead Task
1600	Music with wife	TV: YouTube Overwatch
1630	Buffer	Work: OpsLead Task
1700	Cooking block	Work: Deploying
1730	Cooking block	TV: YouTube MTG Arena
1800	Side-projects	TV: YouTube MTG Arena
1830	Side-projects	Cooking
1900	Hanging out	TV: YouTube Overwatch
1930	Hanging out	TV: YouTube Linsay Ellis
2000	Hanging out	TV: YouTube Linsay Ellis
2030	Winding down
2100	SLEEP
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Dream

Last night, I started reading The Wretched of the Earth. Really, I read a ton of the foreword, which is super long and references way too many things I don't know about, so I gave up on it. And then I read a bunch of the preface, which is also long, but more digestible.

I did this right before falling asleep, and I had a very abstract dream about colonialism. That's all I can really remember about it. Nothing solid to grab onto.

Meditation

This morning was the first time I really felt resistance to meditate. It was, as always, very worth it, but practicing digilance will actually take effort soon, probably.

Anyways, I'm starting to maybe build a habit of noting things after my meditation. I do this in Notion, but I plan to think more about them here.

Something that has become cumbersome during meditation is swallowing. Something happens at some point and swallowing stops being automatic and then also fails to work correctly. Eventually leading to a need to cough. I will need to explore why this is happening.

Meditation has helped me address an issue I discovered shortly before I started, which is that I'm clenching my teeth a lot. I believe it's the rubber bands I'm wearing. The pressure makes me want to clench down. Also, the invisalign armors my teeth so it doesn't hurt. I ended up correcting it a lot in meditation, and thus caught it more often out of meditation, and I think it is happening way less frequently now.

Distractions today:

• Korra (been watching it again)
• meta
• planning
• fantasy
• itch
• numbness
• timer
• impatience/resistance
• cat
• dripping

I didn't explain "meta" yesterday, but basically it's fantasizing, but it's a fantasy wherein I talk to someone about how well my meditation is going (or how well the particular session I'm in has went). I find it a very humorous distraction.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	SLEEP
0630	Meditation
0700	Cooking/Eating breakfast
0730	Reading: The Mind Illuminated
0800	Morning routine
0830	Planning
0900	Stretching
0930	Stretching
1000	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1030	Buffer	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1100	Work	Lunch
1130	Work	TV: YouTube Overwatch
1200	Lunch	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1230	NAP
1300	Buffer	Work: Maintenance
1330	Work: OpsLead Task
1400	Work: OpsLead Task
1430	Work: OpsLead Task
1500	Work: OpsLead Task
1530	Buffer	Work: OpsLead Task
1600	Music with wife	Meeting: Mixpanel Meditation
1630	Meeting: Mixpanel Meditation	Work: OpsLead Task
1700	Cooking block	Work: OpsLead Task
1730	Cooking block	Work: OpsLead Task
1800	Side-projects	TV: YouTube MTG Arena
1830	Side-projects	TV: YouTube MTG Arena
1900	Hanging out	TV: YouTube Overwatch
1930	Hanging out	TV: YouTube Overwatch
2000	Hanging out	Reading: The Mind Illuminated
2030	Winding down	Reading: The Wretched of the Earth
2100	SLEEP
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Meditation

This morning's meditation was not noticeably better than yesterday's, but it was still quite solid. It also still had very noticeable positive effects following. Like, it feels like a consistent dose of caffeine or my ADHD medication. And further, it stacks with the caffeine and ADHD medication I take shortly after my meditation session.

I'm still working with stage 3's intention: regularly invoke introspective attention (not awareness, but actual attention) to scan the mind's state for distractions. I still feel like I don't forget the breath, though distractions still take center stage. However, I believe the next stage is where I address that. I'll stay in stage 3 intention for a bit before moving on.

Anki only gives me 3 new cards to a deck per day to start memorizing, and so even though I added intention and mastery of each stage to Anki, I haven't gotten to them yet, and so I haven't yet memorized what stage 3 mastery looks like. I think it's fine to wait until I hit the concept in Anki before deciding whether or not to move on. I believe that meditation, if worth doing, will be a lifelong pursuit. No need to rush things.

Something I've been meaning to discuss for a while is the type of distractions I often encounter. Because of labeling (naming the distractions you encounter), I have short terms for them. Things that often come up are:

• fantasy
• meta
• itch
• cat
• pain
• numb
• timer

Now, I label it "fantasy", but it often comes in looking like "planning". These "fantasies" are very much things I could do, but I very rarely do. This has long been a frustration of mine. At one point I did realize that the process of talking about them made me less likely to do them. But I think, also, that the process of thinking about them makes me less likely to do them. I get the reward of doing it in my mind, and that satiates me and zaps the motivation to do it.

I think.

In any case, having noticed it in meditation, I catch myself doing it all the time. And a habit is forming of just letting the fantasy go, and not dwelling in it. This may be the new source of my energy?

Oh, yeah, I haven't talked about my increase of energy yet, either. I'm spending too much time thinking about this today, though.

In any case, I notice that I am able to choose to do things that I'd often fantasize about before. Like more thinking aloud here in this log. And I'm noting certain ideas that spark fantasies in my Notion, and then slowly building them out when the same fantasie sparks in my brain. Perhaps this will lead to the slow building of side-projects (both coding and non-coding)?

Time will tell.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	SLEEP
0630	Meditation
0700	Morning routine
0730	Reading: The Mind Illuminated
0800	Buffer	Reading: Blogs
0830	Planning
0900	Stretching
0930	Meeting: Mixpanel Meditation
1000	Maintenance
1030	Meeting: Wednesday Standup
1100	Running 2.5 miles	TV: YouTube MTG Arena
1130	Shower/maintenance	Stretching
1200	Lunch
1230	NAP	Shower/work maintenance
1300	Buffer	Work: Coding
1330	Work: Coding
1400	Work: Coding
1430	Work: Coding
1500	Work: Coding
1530	Meeting: Seattle Zoom Hang
1600	Music with wife	Work: Coding
1630	Buffer	Work: Coding
1700	Cooking block	Work: Coding
1730	Cooking block	Eating
1800	Side-projects	TV: Silicon Valley S06E01
1830	Anime night	Music with wife
1900	Anime night
1930	Anime night
2000	Anime night
2030	Winding down	TV: YouTube MTG Arena
2100	SLEEP
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Dream

Meditation has once again brought the dream back from oblivion. I was at my aunt's house (the place I lived a bit between Tucson and Seattle), and there was some sort of celebration going on. A bunch of stuff happened that have probably been lost to oblivion, but one thing I vividly remember was excitement over some sort of TV event. It ended up being a kitten competition, and suddenly it wasn't on TV but happening in the house. There was a kitten with poodle-like curly, black hair, that came and interacted with me. I decided it was the cutest, and sure enough they won the contest.

Meditation Reflection

The Mind Illuminated breaks down the progress of meditation into 10 stages. There is this formula per chapter about a stage in the book. Each chapter starts with an intention to hold in consciousness while working through the stage, and ends with what mastery of a stage looks like. I have decided to add intention and mastery of each stage to my Anki.

Each morning meditation is noticeably better than the previous, at least so far. I do not anticipate this to continue forever, but am appreciating it while it lasts. During the last few meditations, I had noticed this slight headache that I think is always there. Usually, I only notice it when it's gone. This morning, the headache was gone. I hadn't realized it wasn't there until the meditation.

Which is very interesting, as I've only noticed it go away before on my ADHD medication, or when high on marijuana.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	Buffer	SLEEP
0630	Morning routine block	Meditation
0700	Reading: Book	Morning routine
0730	Planning	Calling aunt
0800	Stretching	Reading: The Mind Illuminated
0830	Stretching	Planning
0900	Stretching	Notion tasks
0930	Stretching
1000	Appointment: Psychiatrist
1030	Buffer	Stretching
1100	Just Dance	Notion tasks
1130	Shower/maintenance	Work Notion
1200	Lunch
1230	NAP	Lunch
1300	Buffer	Talking
1330	Work: OpsLead	NAP
1400	Work: OpsLead	Work: Maintenance
1430	Work: OpsLead	Work: Debugging
1500	Work: OpsLead	Work: OpsLead
1530	Buffer	Work: Slack
1600	Meeting: Medtitation	Reading: The Mind Illuminated
1630	Music with wife	Work: OpsLead
1700	Cooking: Mac and cheese
1730	Cooking: Mac and cheese
1800	Side-projects	TV: The Legend of Korra
1830	Side-projects	Music with wife
1900	Hanging out	TV: The Legend of Korra
1930	Hanging out	Reading The Mind Illuminated
2000	Hanging out	TV: YouTube Cosmonaut
2030	Winding down	TV: YouTube Cosmonaut
2100	SLEEP
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Thinking

Fun terms from the book (that I read a while ago but didn't write down here):

• following: noting the various starts and ends of the stages of the meditation object (when does your in-breath start/end, out-breath start/end, and how long are the pauses between the two)
• connecting: contrasting the various stages of the meditation object (is your in-breath longer than your out-breath, is the pause before the in-breath longer than the pause before your out-breath)
• labelling: give your distractions short names, this helps you notice which are more regular and which are rarer, and which are likely to take the center stage of your attention

Also useful: as a beginner, narrating your observations in the mind is fine. Eventually, you want to observe wordlessly, but learning to keep attention is worth the words in the beginning. I believe you can also do all of the above wordlessly as well, but right now for me it's pretty wordy (but already getting less wordy). (edited)

I'm pretty sure I'm safely in Stage 2 already (interrupted attention and overcoming mind-wandering). There are some hints of Stage 3 (extended continuity of attention and overcoming forgetting). I don't think I lost the meditation object today/yesterday, but I may have just not noticed? It's reasonably short if I have.

Don't think I'm in Stage 4 (continous attention and overcoming gross distraction and strong dullness). Various gross distractions occur, even if I'm not forgetting the breath. Also, I think in this stage I achieve a lot less thinking in words. It has shrunk considerably but still quite present. Further, I haven't even experienced dullness yet. Not that I've noticed. Definitely not sleepy during meditation yet, either.

I anticipate my momentum to slow pretty soon as well. I think I had accidentally done some early meditative stuff when dealing with ADHD, but I think I'm fast approaching the limits of that experience. We'll see. I'm fine with slow progress. Will not rush things. Even though 15 minutes went real easy, will still wait until Sunday before increasing it to 20. Might make the intervals between increasing the meditation timer shorter thereafter, but I think I should choose that after the first meditation I do with extended time.

Dream

Yet again, my dream came back to me during meditation. I let it sit in the background. Not all of it came back, nor as much as yesterday's, but I do remember watching a movie in a theatre with a friend. A character in the movie was called "Weaselman", and I have a friend whose nickname is that. I talked to my friend how it's cool, as we both knew Weaselman.

I think I'll send a chat to Weaselman.

ADHD Medication Reflection

I am on the 26th day of adhd medication and things have settled into a good place. Just had a follow-up with psychiatrist, and he anticipates that a stronger dose will be necessary eventually but for now sticking to the current dose seems like a solid plan. Gave up caffeine the first week on the medication, but added it back in without incident.

Still very able to choose to do things, which means learning to pace myself in a different way than before. Burnt out on work the first week, though luckily that was before the 4-day weekend, and I burnt out on the Thursday. Have noticed that intellectual feedback makes its way to the subconscious better than before. So, intending to do things leads me to doing them sooner and making habits stick or fade faster. E.g. started stretching everyday, last week I picked back up a reading habit, and last Friday I started meditating.

Pretty solid and exciting.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	Buffer	SLEEP
0630	Morning routine block	Meditation
0700	Reading: Book	Morning routine
0730	Planning	Eating
0800	Stretching	Reading: The Mind Illuminated
0830	Stretching	Planning
0900	Stretching
0930	Stretching
1000	Meeting: Mixpanel Meditation
1030	Maintenance
1100	Grocery shopping	Lunch
1130	Grocery shopping	TV: YouTube Overwatch
1200	Grocery shopping	Grocery shopping
1230	Buffer	Grocery shopping
1300	Lunch	Grocery shopping
1330	NAP	Shower/maintenance
1400	Meeting: Core Opslead Handoff
1430	Work: OpsLead	Meeting: Admin Bug Discussion
1500	Work: OpsLead	Work: Maintenance
1530	Buffer	Work: OpsLead
1600	Music with wife
1630	Buffer	Work: OpsLead
1700	Cooking block	Work: OpsLead
1730	Cooking block	Work: OpsLead
1800	Side-projects	Music with wife
1830	Side-projects	TV: Central Park
1900	Hanging out	TV: YouTube MTG Arena
1930	Hanging out	TV: John Oliver
2000	Hanging out	TV: John Oliver
2030	Winding down	TV: Legend of Korra
2100	SLEEP
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Thinking

Meditation this morning went really well. I believe I did not forget the breath this time, though it was not always the primary object of my attention. Did a lot of labeling of distractions, which was neat, and I started to apply that process to reading. Even right now, though I'm not verbalizing the distraction, it seems I take a deep breath once I feel one coming? It's a bit subconscious in this state. I guess the desire to pace may be coming? I'm standing still, I notice.

I'll be entering opslead at 1430 today. This means that practicing flexibility will be very important. Backup meditation will almost certainly be necessary. Also, I'm going to get some grocery shopping in before my opslead rotation starts.

Dream

I remembered my dream a bit during meditation. I did not dig in, as it was not the meditation object, but perhaps that helped it settle even better? I was visiting my friend and his parents. This friend no longer lives with his parents, but in the dream, he did, and in the dream, they lived in a house I have never been to.

There are vague memories of doing things, but at some point a child entered the group. At first, I mistook this child as a new brother of my friend, but it ended up being my friend's nephew. My friend does not have a nephew, but he did recently become an uncle. This child was not a baby, however, and a variety of shenanigans I do not remember ensued.

There was a long walk in the cold suburbs at one point in this dream.

That is all I can remember.

Still pretty good, though. Evidence that medtation will help with this? Or coincidence?

Think about Babuska, grandparents, people who're gone

This is a physical tickler item. I "attempt" to do this task once every three months, but really I continuously throw it to the future. I'm not sure if emotions are tangled up with this item. I mean, I think there are, but I don't explicitly feel them when I see or read the card. It seems more to manifest as a resistance to executing the task.

This card, as I've mentioned before, used to be my weekly reminder to call my babuska (my grandmother). When she died, I crossed-out the "call" and added "think about" and appended "grandparents, people who're gone".

I definitely don't want to force it, though. I want these sorts of reflections to come, and even now, when I feel like I'm in the right head space, I do not have anyone come to mind to discuss. There are just some people I list in my head.

People I love, mind you, but I don't have further reflections.

Perhaps I'll just list them here, as I would refer to them:

• grandpa
• grandma
• babuska
• daduska
• uncle Tom

Perhaps "people who're gone" is not exclusive to people who are dead. There are many people I can name that I will likely never see again:

• Prasad
• Sandy
• Noah
• Kevin

Hmmmm.... Perhaps it is valuable to simply tuck these people into my awareness and let them mingle with the other processes of my subconscious.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	Buffer	Waking up
0630	Morning routine block	Meditation
0700	Reading: Book	Morning routine
0730	Planning	Music with wife
0800	Stretching	Planning
0830	Stretching	Thinking
0900	Stretching
0930	Maintenance	Stretching
1000	Maintenance
1030	Reading: The Mind Illuminated	Maintenance
1100	Reading: The Mind Illuminated	Maintenance
1130	Reading: The Mind Illuminated
1200	Lunch
1230	NAP	Lunch
1300	Buffer	TV: Youtube MTG Arena
1330	Reading: The Mind Illuminated	NAP
1400	Reading: The Mind Illuminated	Maintenance
1430	Reading: The Mind Illuminated	Maintenance
1500	Reading: The Mind Illuminated	Writing an email
1530	Buffer	Writing an email
1600	Reading: The Mind Illuminated
1630	Reading: The Mind Illuminated
1700	Hanging out
1730	Hanging out
1800	Hanging out
1830	Hanging out
1900	Hanging out
1930	Hanging out
2000	Hanging out
2030	Winding down
2100	SLEEP
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Thinking

Today is day 3 of my meditation practice. The high has worn off, maybe. Or rather, for some reason today was difficult. Could have been any number of things. I'm reducing my timer to 15 minutes, will increase it to 20 after a week, I think. My main Doubt here is that I may physically hurt myself staying still for too long. I have a history of overdoing things physically. Better to build the strength. I'm confident I can stay still for 15 minutes. I have done it twice already.

Another thing I had difficulty with, which came to me so easily yesterday, was to celebrate when I noticed I got lost and distracted before returning to the meditation object. Maybe I was trying to rush things today? I'll really lean into the realization and enjoy it.

Perhaps it'd be useful to carefully consider my prep here. The prep points are: motivations, goals, expectations, diligence, distractions, and posture.

Motivations

My motivation actually lines up with the purpose of stage 2: to train my brain to notice when it is distracted and return to what I intended to think about. This is something that will be of immense value to me. Tangential thinking is something that I constantly do. With ADHD medication, it has quieted significantly, to be sure, but there's definitely work I can do to be even better. Also, meditation may be a practice that removes the need for the medication, who knows?

Though, it may have been why I had so much trouble this morning, no medication in my system, as the half-life is quite short.

Goals

The goal is to fully celebrate everytime I notice that I've wandered from the meditiation object. Like, full on party-mode joy. I had a little bit of it yesterday, but didn't do enough of it this morning.

I would also like to stay still the entire 15-minute meditation. This is something I have already accomplished, and this, too, has its value outside of meditation as a skill. Like, standing still at my desk as I work would have value, for example.

I have experienced the discomfort, acknowledged it, let it be, and watched it go. It is amazing. Trying to move to fix discomfort is a temptation I often fail to resist, but I know that I can, and that it comes with a rewarding comfort.

Expectations

My expectations are reasonable. I'm not trying to force progress outside of my control. Simply going for regular practice with an intention to reward my mind for good behavior. No willpower or anything. Simply improvement through repetition and feedback.

Diligence

Morning meditations. Everyday. If I sleep through the time for it, I have backup times on weekdays and weekends. So, meditation everyday. No reason not to.

Distractions

The distractions that mainly cause me to lose my way are day dreams. A lot of them day dreams about talking about my meditation experience, ironically enough.

There are also two other distractions that don't get me lost, but do make focus difficult. One is just the noises in my environment. Which I don't think are a big deal. But the other is that I seem to feel like my lungs are not getting enough air the longer I focus on the breath.

This distraction would normally be something I could disregard, I think, but shortness of breath is a symptom of covid19, and so it creates some anxiety. I feel pretty intellectually certain that it is some strange thing with meditation that I should just grow comfortable with and it will go away. It is not a problem present at any other time. That will simply be my plan when encountering this again.

Posture

I may want to try standing meditation. Standing is something that comes more naturally to me than sitting. It'll also serve a dual purpose in practicing standing still.

I could also do some research into the various sitting poses, the stretches to do to be able to enter them comfortably, and cycle through them to find one that I like. The last three meditations, I sat on my knees, using my foam-roller as a cushion. It worked well enough, but I should probably experiment with this.

Some of Yesterday's Thoughts on Meditation

I wrote about my thoughts on meditation a bit yesterday, in a meditation slack channel. I will copy that writing here.

The Mind Illuminated has already helped me considerably, I think. As I read I'll share stuff here, but I think I'll go ahead and share what I've liked so far.

One thing I really liked was the formal distinction between "awareness" and "attention", and it's comparison to peripheral vision and vision. Meditation enhances awareness, trains attention, and strengthens their shared source of energy. Explicitly allocating resources to awareness helps me understand the idea of "being in the present", I think. Also, working on controlling the scope of attention. It's still a bit fuzzy, so I feel unsure about how accurate what I'm saying is, but I've taken a solid step from the "not getting" meditation, I think.

There's also the six-point meditation prep guide: motivations, goals, expectations, diligence, distractions, and posture. (I've added this to my spaced-repetition flashcard app for memorization)

Motivation: why are you meditating

Goals: what are you trying to achieve this session

Expectations: what do you expect of yourself, and are you being reasonable in those expectations? do not try to force progress

Diligence: practice everyday, practice for the time allotted

Distractions: what is likely to vie for your attention, prepare yourself to "let it come, let it be, let it go"

Posture: find a position where you can be comfortably still, but not so comfortable that you'd fall asleep

Note: my friend has told me that he has found that "failing meditation on purpose" is a great way to fall asleep. It will be interesting if I can replicate that ability.

And then there's"the four step transition to the meditation object" (also added to anki, the spaced-repetition flashcard app I use):

1. Focus on the present
2. Focus on body sensations
3. Focus on bodily sensations related to the breath
4. Focus on the sensations of breath at the nose

A session may need to return to step one, or go some steps back after returning from a distraction. This one I also think will be really interesting to construct for different meditation objects. Like, figuring out a good narrowing of focus.

And lastly, something that was really satisfying to cultivate (and should only grow more satisfying) is to feel a sense of achievement when you notice yourself daydreaming. Don't get frustrated that you got distracted, be happy you noticed. Want to reward yourself for noticing, as it trains you mind to flag it. Meditation is not about will power, it's building muscle-memory, basically. It's like throwing a ball. The conscious mind provides feedback, and then with enough practice you'll get better.

Right now I'm on the high of getting into it, but hopefully I'll stick with it.

Time-Tracking Review

So, the way Toggl works is that it wants to show you your tracked time split by project. So, instead of the description, which is what I used before, I made a whole bunch of projects.

• Cooking
• Doctor's Appointment
• Eating
• Entertainment
• Exercise
• Grocery shopping
• Hanging Out
• Maintenance
• Meditation
• Music with Wife
• Nap
• Reading
• Side Projects
• Sleep
• Stretching
• Talking
• Therapy
• Transition
• Unintended
• Work: Data Sensitivity
• Work: Demo
• Work: Maintenance
• Work: Meeting
• Work: Slack
• YouTube

Overall, this works pretty well, actually. But I think instead of "Data Sensitivity", it should've been the kind of work, like "coding" or "deploying" or "debugging" or "analysis". So, I'll probably do it differently next week there.

I think the actual project I'm working on should be a tag in Toggl. Also can be in the description, maybe.

I need to be better about distinguishing when I'm doing my own maintenance (often labeled as "Organization" in my timeblock, but "Maintenance" is a better word, I think), and when I'm doing "Work: Maintenance".

I also need to divy up my meetings between required and optional, I think.

It may also behoove me to split maintenance up into more projects that fall under it, as I devoted almost 12 hours last week to it. That's a significant chunk, and diving deeper may show some insight.

Sleep was the biggest single chunk, at 64 hours. So I spend about 9 hours per day on average sleeping (not counting naps). I think that's just reality? Possibly not worth trying to "fix". As long as I can fall asleep consistently.

YouTube was the next biggest chunk, at 18 hours.... Probably want to watch less YouTube.

Then maintanence, at 12 hours.

Then eating, at 9 hours.

I won't go on here. I'm going to want to export this data to Mixpanel to better visualize it, I think. And also share it better here in the log.

But today let's wordily go over the important bits to reflect on.

Work Breakdown

According to Toggl, I clocked in 17 hours of work last week. Which isn't a lot. Now, to be fair, during the weekdays my morning routine, which is tracked as "Maintenance", covers a lot of work. Still, though, I think I can do better. "Deep work", aka the work I get paid for, was at 7 hours. I put it all in the "Data Sensitivity" bucket, but will want it to be more explicitly the kind of work I'm doing next week.

Apparently, I spent 7.5 hours in meetings last week. About half of those, or maybe a third, were optional. Might want to cut some out. Next week there's just fewer meetings, though.

Goals for next week are:

• better breakdown of work
• tracking work maintenance as work
• put actual work projects, like "Data Sensitivity" in a tag, and use the kind of work as the Toggl project name

Personal Breakdown

Overall: less YouTube, more quality entertainment. Potentially, "YouTube" is too wide a net, and I can break that down further into the type of video (e.g. "Overwatch", "MTG Arena", "Edutainment", "ZFG", etc).

But also, any YouTube I watch by myself may be better replaced with reading, which I want to do more of. And potentially video games or side-projects.

And I'd like to think about how I may want to break "Maintenance" down further.

The Meditative Nap

So, yesterday and today I followed the 4-step transition to the meditative object while laying down to nap. Not sure if it's still novel enough or what, but it kept my mind active and I definitely didn't fall asleep for either nap. Though, this sort of thing would happen anyways, with meditation I came out of the nap feeling just as refreshed as when I nap. So, I think it's fine?

There's a strong likelihood that naps will actually happen during naptime, so I think I'll maintain the morning plan, but I am quite okay with it just being another meditation session. I think that's stronger than the strange sleepless dreams I wander through during some naps.

My brain does feel a lot quieter, as well. And there's this lingering bit of meta awareness. I notice when I start to pace. Or as I fidgit whilst standing here typing. There's this constant allure of daydreaming going on at all times.

I also have realized that I often turn my head to look out the window. How long have I had this habit? It is not something I really noticed myself doing until yesterday. I have the habit of keeping the blinds open.... Has it lasted as long as that? Is the little bit of nature outside the window a secret source of joy for me?

....

And just then, on that thought, I went for a pace to the bedroom and back. But very quickly into it: "Hey, you're pacing, just FYI" is the kinda sensation I got. And then I got a nice little jolt of joy (just going to stick with using the word joy), a reward for noticing the movement of distraction.

....

And then I did it again. Now there's an explicit smile on my face.

Is Meditation the Key to "Practicing Intentionality"?

There was a new thing I wanted to do: "practice intentionality". Basically, do what I set out to do. The idea was maybe to place activities in specific timeblocks, and not let them leak elsewhere. But perhaps this is hard to do without first cultivating directed attention and sustained attention.

Perhaps, to add another of my goals into this line of thinking, this cultivation is also necessary for the observation and recording of dreams, and the transition to lucid dreaming.

Hmmm... something to ruminate on.