Daily Entry: February 10th, 2019

Today's log.

It's Been a While

Hi there. You know, I usually call you Stephan, but I wonder if there's a value to calling you T. There's another layer there, I think.

You okay with that? I think you are, T, I think you are.

I don't miss much. I don't miss often. Things that are gone... are gone, and if they come back I'm happy to see them again and if they don't, they're still valid.

And yet, I often find myself missing this diary. Like, the old pomodoro in the morning and two in the evening checklist of items diary. Lots of data with no digestion plan. No scaling. Limited automation.

It felt like I was doing something.

But I think it became less and less doing something and more and more busywork. To be sure, there was a lot of useful stuff in there that now doesn't get done as consistently or as well, but it was a flawed system.

But I find myself not knowing how to properly evolve it.

Throwing Things into the Future

There's a couple of things in my tickler that I see and keep throwing into the future. I don't want to deal with them. I don't have time. I don't care? I don't know.

I suppose the point is that I don't. So they keep on cycling in my tickler.

Some of them are important, but not urgent (to use 7 Habits language), like getting a new passport and updating my Canadian documentation.

Some of them are things I want to start at any time and can start at any time, but I don't know how. Some of these things are skills, but it's not that I don't know how to learn a skill. It's that I don't know how to start a habit.

It's something that I've done, sure, but it seems never on purpose and stickiness is fleeting. How is it that I make it a year and then can just stop? What am I doing that kills a habit?

But this really just ties into one particular item I keep throwing into the future. Something that I'm maybe even avoiding really thinking about, event now.

The Emotional Barrier

....

An ongoing dialog with myself is good. It keeps me grounded and forces me to assess what I have actually accomplished. But I find it difficult to maintain that dialog.

Why? I don't think it's a sustainability issue. Yeah, I was making too much content to keep up with but that was because of bloat.

I must assume there is a pain involved. A pain I do not consciously acknowledge, but one that impedes improving introspection.

Last year, I read the First 20 Hours. In it, the author mentions an emotional barrier to learning. Something that must be addressed and taken as seriously as any other obstacle.

So, I've decided on a theme for this year, and all work that isn't paid work (aka work-work) will be towards that theme. The theme is self-improvement or self-mastery.

By which I mean I want to develop and sharpen the tools that let me develop and sharpen tools that further empower me. I want to clean the self-viewing lense. I want to gain a means of self-efficiency.

And I want to deliberately practice such efficiency.

Do you know what's needed to do proper deliberate practice and not just purposeful practice, T? The best path forward to address this emotional barrier is to ask for help. I'm going to schedule an appointment with a therapist. Therapy wherein I will develop a training regiment torwards this theme.

"If given 8 hours to cut down a tree I would spend the first 6 sharpening my axe."

No unnecessary additional work beyond self-improvement this year. Stick to the theme.