Meditation (Day 35)

This morning's sit was hard. Probably forgot the breath quite a few times, though about 30 minutes in things started to settle. Managed to still get to stage 4 for a bit with a bit of vigilant introspective awareness.

Still gave me that very solid awake feeling by the end.

Had a very interesting moment where I noted how my want to look at the timer was like the want to scratch an itch. "Even if I look," I told myself, "a new desire to look, just as strong as before, will show up shortly after." That worked, and I didn't look. But then, later, a strong desire to scratch an itch just under my nose started growing. I resisted, but then the desire to look at the timer came to me again. I chuckled at how similar the two feelings were. Eventually, I gave in and looked at the timer (there was a minute and a half left in the meditation).

I only meant to look at the timer, but I noticed that at the same time I scratched the itch under my nose. What a marvelous series of events. Worth the breaking of the stillness. Perhaps it'll help me stay still next time.

Blog Progress for the Day

I think all the content I want is writtend down. Tomorrow, I'll read over what I've got, maybe note some more things I want to write, and maybe start the editing process.

Sunday still looking plausible.

Something I'll look out for is being overtly critical and also trying to cram too much in. I'm not aiming for a good blog post, I'm trying to build the habits that will lead to regular blog posts, which with experience and deliberate practice could lead to quality blog posts.

At some point I'll share the posts, too, I think, but for now I'll just publish them to an area and see what happens.

Meditation (Day 34)

I achieved a significant quieting of the mind today. My breathe slowed to the point of my needing to focus significantly to feel its sensation at my nose. Stage 3 (overcoming forgetting) is going well. I believe I never forgot the breath today, and I managed to invoke introspective attention at some key moments. When the mind got really quiet, I had some solid stage 4 (continous attention and overcoming gross distraction and strong dullness) with a good amount of continous introspective attention.

If by Sunday I have managed to never forget the breath, I'll consider stage 3 truly mastered, and start working towards stage 4 mastery (gross distraction and strong dullness no longer occurs) and playing in stage 5 (increasing mindfulness).

I own The Mind Illuminated now, and have it in my weekly review checklist to refer to relevant sections of it. Will want to read the next chapter soon, as well.

Blog Progress for the Day

Just wrote a couple sentences today. I have a couple more things to write, and then the editing process will begin. Mainly, I want to go over my experience for the first month, and the side-effects I've experienced, and how confident I am that it was meditation (not perfectly confident, but reasonably so).

Seems plausible that I can have it "published" this Sunday. Though, I may use the draft being "ready for publication" as an excuse to update how this whole blog setup works (there's a proper way to use ghost.js and how I currently do it is not it).

Dream

I was in a hypnagogic version of the compound I lived at in Tucson. Our dog Daysha (who passed away years ago) was acting stangely, and pooping very strange-shaped things. She ended up disappearing and we couldn't find her.

Meditation (Day 33)

Resisted looking at the timer the whole meditation today. Working on my neck posture still but I think I'm close to getting it. Didn't forget the breath at all today, I don't think. Managed a good system for invoking introspective attention (whenever I swallow). After the first 20 minutes of it, it felt like I had a good amount of vigilant introspective awareness as well.

Still had a fair amount of gross distractions take attention away from the breath (though the breath never also left awareness). Had some progressive subtle dullness at moments (a tell being that my vision blurs a bit).

Blog Progress for the Day

Got a good 30 minutes of writing in. Filling it up with a lot of good stuff, I think, though I believe heavy editing of the overall structure will be in order. Perhaps it'll be ready for editing by this weekend, though? This might mean "blogpost a week" could well be possible.

We'll see.

Another thing I'll be using this log for is for tagging purposes. I'll tag what I actually did in the day. This may prove useful because I often plan things in my timeblock that I don't end up doing, and that'd make searching for the days I did it hard in notion.

Might also be pretty easy for scripting purposes.

Meditation (Day 32)

40 minutes went well today! I did give in to the urge to look at the timer 1 minute and 20 seconds before the end of the meditation, but otherwise it was good. I think stage 3 (invoking introspective attention) does indeed need some work, but also trying stage 4 (making introspective attention continuous) is something I can work on as well.

I went ahead and bought The Mind Illuminated (for Kindle). It's going to be a solid reference book. For example, it'll be good to revisit the chapters on stage 3 and stage 4, as I've been in there for a while and so there might be something I've forgotten that will jump out at me on reread.

Dream

I had the dream upon waking up, and tried to narrate it back to myself. Perhaps I should have done it out loud. It is gone now.... Too bad.

Blog Progress for the Day

The first post I'm working on is "An Introduction to Meditation by a Beginner". It is an interesting process returning to a bit of writing each day. Right now, I'm focusing on adding content, and maybe organizing it a bit, but not editing or deleting anything.

At some point I'll have to decide there's enough content and work on editing it, though. And then just publish it. I think I'll create a /blog area of the site.

So! Today's the day I try to do some more organized writing that isn't simple stream of consciousness like this writing here. Which does still leave me with a feeling that I still want to write here.

Oh, yeah! I think timeblock should live in notion as well, now. I'll delete the one above (it may be gone now) and put it in notion.

....

Done.

Huh. These are going to be tiny posts now. Probably going to feel weird. I think that's fine?

These logs will now become daily snapshots into my thinking that don't belong in some draft of some blog post or something. This will see an evolution of things. Every once in a while I will stumble upon something that belongs in a blog post, copy the thinking I've already done to some blog draft, and continue it there.

This can still be a place for dreams, as well! Though I will also save them in my notion in an organized place, because I do have a fantasy project that involves having access to a lot of dreams.

Meditation (Day 31)

Today I was supposed to increase to 40 minutes, and technically I did, but it was a very undisciplined meditation. Perhaps 20 minutes of it was proper meditation. I will avoid repeating the mistakes of today, which were:

• needing to go to the bathroom and deciding to meditate in the bathroom instead of resolving to start over
• needing to do an eye mask for ten minutes and including that in the meditation (instead of doing it separately and taking it as an opportunity for more meditation if desired)

For 20 minutes, though, I stayed reasonably still and focused pretty well on the meditation object. I feel like maybe I'm actually still in stage 3 (overcome forgetting) with bouts of stage 4 (overcome gross distraction and strong dullness). So I may start with stage 3 intention for a bit (invoke introspective attention regularly, before forgetting the breath, to catch distractions before they lead to mind-wandering and forgetting).

I'm proud, also, that I still tried and didn't cancel the meditation, and I still got a lot out of it, but know I can do better and get more. There's always another try tomorrow, where I can follow-thru on the whole session.

Dream

In my dream, I was flying on a large airplane, and in the row I was in I apparently knew everyone. We were being entitled little brats and demanding things from the staff, and when we didn't get them, stealing them. I kept insisting to my friends to stop, but they went ahead anyways, and eventually one got caught stealing a bottle of alcohol.

He tried to hide it in a cabinet, and I tried to warn him not to hide it there, and when they searched it it was full of stolen goods, that I apparently stole. To make sure he wasn't blamed, I confessed. It seemed the reason I didn't want them to steal wasn't because I wasn't against it, but that I didn't want attention drawn to us because I had already stolen quite a bit.

We started to unload all of our stolen goods and give them backe, and apparently there were freezer drawers under our seatr where I had stashed a bunch of cheese pizzas. Which was weird to me, because I couldn't eat them as I'm fully vegan.

That's when I woke up.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	Making lattes and breakfast	SLEEP
0630	Maintenance: Notiong Tasks	SLEEP
0700	Meditation	Making lattes and breakfast
0730	Reading: Hold Me Tight	Meditation
0800	Morning routine	Eating
0830	Spaced-repetition	Morning routine
0900		Walking to vet with cat
0930		Dropping off cat at vet
1000		Grocery shopping
1030		Walking home
1100		Happy birthday to sister-in-law
1130		Happy birthday to friend
1200		Lunch and TV: K-On!
1230		Spaced-repetition
1300	Diary thinking
1330	Gaming: SSBM
1400	Gaming: SSBM	Pick up cat
1430	Maintenance: Notion Tasks	Walk home with cat
1500	Maintenance: Notion Tasks	Gaming: SSBM
1530	Buffer	Gaming: SSBM
1600	Buffer	Gaming: SSBM
1630	Buffer	Gaming: SSBM
1700	Cooking: Pad thai
1730	Cooking: Pad thai
1800	Buffer	TV: F is for Family
1830	Music with wife	Gaming: SSBM
1900	Gaming: SSBM	Gaming: SSBM
1930	Hanging out	Gaming: SSBM
2000	Hanging out	Gaming: SSBM
2030	Winding down	TV: YouTube Overwatch
2100	SLEEP	Stretching
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Thinking

Both slept-in a bit this morning and had a vet appointment to transport our cat to, so planning starting late. Luckily, "practice flexibility" is ingrained, and I managed to do both spaced-repetition still and am now filling out the document.

It is unknown exactly when they'll call so we can pick up the cat, so I'm puttin gin a bunch of buffer. I plan on running to the vet to grab her and walking briskly back.

Meditation (Day 30)

I have meditated a month's worth today. Started on June 5th, though I didn't note it in my log until June 7th. I actually wrote quite a bit there. It's pretty good stuff! I'm going to link it in my Notion and revisit it... monthly?

Yes, that sounds like it'll be worthwhile.

The focus was maintained on stage 4 today, as planned. No stage 5 exercises. Again I found near the end of my meditation a flood of internal distractions. I think I managed it better this time, but only slightly. My focus overall for today has been solid as well. Doing well at "practicing intentionality".

A Movement Towards More Deliberate Writing?

So, in my notion I have an item: "Writing drafts of blog posts instead of writing in diary?"

I feel like this sounds right. It is a means by which to organize my thinking as opposed to pure stream of consciousness. If done correctly, it'll be much easier than this setup to revisit ideas and basically have this ongoing conversation with myself on who I am, what I want to do, and how I can grow.

This was something I tried to integrate into my diary, but it became too much work to maintain. Arbitrarily revisting what I wrote a day, a week, a month, a year ago had too much noise, took too much time, and was kinda tedious. When I did find something worth reading, it wasn't at the right time, and trying to make a note of rereading that bit was... well, this setup isn't built for that.

It was why, at the time, I had thought maybe what I wanted was a self-wiki. And now I have exactly that with Notion, and it makes me think that I could write drafts there and publish milestones of those drafts (a bit of writing, like software, is never really done, only abandoned) here, or in a /blog area of this site.

So, is this the time to make that transition? How should I do it?

I feel like some thinking should live here, but is that just because of my habits? I suppose I want a snapshot of my mind, perhaps? But will I ever really go back to it. I feel little pressure to look at my blog from 2015, for example. But will a distance of a decade, of many decades, change my mind?

I think... I think I will at least write that I'm writing in my notion. Yes. And starting tomorrow, instead of a reminder to write here, it'll be a reminder to write there.

Perhaps here I'll write about the meta of writing in Notion? Though it may first live there.

Yes, this log is now a place for me to contemplate my meta. It is something that was part of my YouTuber fantasy: a channel where I post videos, and a channel commenting on how the regular channel functions.

Logs will stay daily for a bit, but as the habit settles, writing here may grow infrequent.

But I don't know who even reads this regularly anymore. If you do, and I know you, and you know how to contact me, let me know that you just read this sentence (maybe link the post to me as well).

A blog, done correctly, may well grow a real readership, and I may well actually setup comments and the like on it. Though this sort of goal is well off to the horrizon.

I've given myself a lot to ruminate on. Let's do some other notion tasks for now.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	SLEEP	Making lattes and breakfast
0630	Making lattes and breakfast	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
0700	Meditation
0730	Reading: Hold Me Tight	Eating breakfast and Budget date
0800	Morning routine	Budget date
0830	Spaced-repetition	Morning routine
0900	Spaced-repetition
0930	Grocery shopping
1000	Grocery shopping
1030	Reading: Blogs
1100	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1130	Stretching
1200	Running 2.6 miles
1230	Shower/maintenance
1300	Lunch	Gaming: SSBM
1330	NAP	Gaming: SSBM
1400	Buffer	Gaming: SSBM
1430	Maintenance: Notion Tasks	Lunch
1500	Maintenance: Notion Tasks	Nap
1530	Buffer	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1600	Buffer	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1630	Buffer	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1700	Cooking: Pad thai	Monthly cleanings
1730	Cooking: Pad thai	TV: K-On!
1800	Buffer	TV: Central Park
1830	Music with wife	TV: Twilight Zone
1900	Gaming: SSBM	TV: Twilight Zone
1930	Hanging out	TV: Twilight Zone
2000	Hanging out	TV: YouTube Lindsay Ellis
2030	Winding down	TV: YouTube Misc
2100	SLEEP	Winding down
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Thinking

I have today off as tomorrow is a national holiday. There was some thinking on my end to do some work anyways, but I will not. Did a solid amount of the valuable kind of work last week. I focused on form, and thus was a bit slow, but could feel myself speeding up by the end. Next week should be solid.

Meditation (Day 29)

I think I'll celebrate each prime number as I pass them. They'll be getting rare enough to not be too numerous, but also they often come in pairs, which is fun.

Today, I avoided entering stage 5 (overcoming subtle dullness and increasing mindfulness). I wanted to see what would happened staying in stage 4, where I invoke continuous introspective awareness to keep gross distraction and strong dullness at bay. Two interesting things happened:

1. about three-fourths through I was getting bombarded with internal distractions
2. I definitely noticed progressive subtle dullness (not quite strong dullness)

It may behoove me to not do any stage 5 exercises for maybe a week and see if that helps progression to a clear mastery of stage 4 (mastery being "free from gross distraction and strong dullness").

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	SLEEP	Making lattes and breakfast
0630	Making lattes and breakfast	Meditation
0700	Meditation	Morning rountine
0730	Eating breakfast and hanging out
0800	Morning routine
0830	Spaced-repetition
0900	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
0930	Work: Maintenance
1000	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1030	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1100	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1130	Buffer	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1200	Lunch
1230	TV: YouTube with wife	NAP
1300	NAP	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1330	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1400	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1430	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1500	Buffer	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1530	Stretching	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1600	Meeting: Mixpanel Meditation	Break
1630	Stretching	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1700	Cooking block	Stretching
1730	Reading: Hold Me Tight	Maintenance: Notion Tasks
1800	Article reading block	TV: Twilight Zone
1830	Music with wife	TV: Twilight Zone
1900	Gaming: SSBM	TV: F is for Family
1930	Hanging out	TV: YouTube
2000	Hanging out	Hanging out
2030	Winding down	Hanging out
2100	SLEEP	Winding down
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Thinking

Stretching has become a consistent and flexibly placeable thing. Though yesterday was a close call where I stretched right before bed, did only one of each stretch, and skipped a few. Still solid and slept well, though.

Meditation (Day 28)

Today, I was pretty distractable, but still had lots of good bits. Because the session is 35 minutes now, and because of my experience from 4 weeks of practice now, I'm both better at overcoming distraction and have a lot more time to get good focus on the breath in. Still a long way to go, but I believe progress is on a chaotic uptick.

Naps are no longer something I consistently do everyday, and when I do do them now, they're another meditation for the day. Though they're a laydown meditation wherein one of the goals is to embrace dullness. This has been a solid experience for me thus far. Basically every nap feels like one of those rare solid naps I would have when I just laid down to nap.

Which makes me think that the "good" naps were accidental meditation. I had often found I'd get a good result by listening to blowing air of some kind (either from the noise machine at home or the central air setup at the office). I focused on something, and let the dullness come. Now, I do that more explicitly on purpose. And sometimes it leads to dreams still, where I think I'm still awake, but I'm definitely having some hypnagogic perception.

But even with super strong dullness, I rarely come out of my naps groggy now. This is because at some point the dullness noticeably fades, and so I employ the habits of applying a dullness antidote like in a normal meditation session. Thus, by the time I get up from my nap, my mind is often fully awake. It is a solid experience. Often there's this pleasant tingling sensation in my head.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	SLEEP
0630	Making lattes and breakfast
0700	Meditation
0730	Reading: Hold Me Tight	and Eating breakfast
0800	Morning routine
0830	Spaced-repetition
0900	Work: Maintenance
0930	Meeting: Mixpanel Meditation
1000	Meeting: All Hands
1030	Meeting: All Hands
1100	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1130	Buffer	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1200	Lunch
1230	NAP
1300	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1330	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1400	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1430	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1500	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1530	Meeting: Seattle Zoom Hang
1600	Stretching	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1630	Stretching	Walk with wife
1700	Cooking block	Walk with wife
1730	Cooking block	Cooking
1800	Buffer	Eating
1830	Music with wife	Anime night
1900	Gaming: SSBM	Anime night
1930	Hanging out	Anime night
2000	Hanging out	Anime night
2030	Winding down	Anime night
2100	SLEEP	Winding down
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Thinking

Cleaning up my tags a bit. Not looking at Twitter is super consistent now. Better to make a tag for when I do go to Twitter, I think. "Practice flexibility" only really needs to happen when something super disrupts my day. It is also not one of my current themes to guide my actions by. It has been internalized well-enough, I think.

Meditation (Day 27)

I'm pretty happy with this streak I've managed. It's not impossible for it to go on forever, but I do assume something will cause me to not meditate in a given day. I wonder what it will be. I have a feeling it'll be a new environment that causes it. Something that alters my default routine. Perhaps a road trip to visit family?

It's not important to never break the streak, it's important to practice diligently. So, when the time comes that I miss a day, remember to "practice flexibility" and try again the next.

One of the biggest relevations of meditation for me was just how often I was fantasizing. Mind you, it didn't always look like fantasizing. It often looks like planning. But it was plans for things that were quite unlikely to happen. This tendency has already been curbed a lot in the 27 days of meditation, and I think it has resulted in me doing more. Now that I don't pretend to do things, the urge to do things is not satiated, and so I... do things.

It's why, I think, I'm so much more consistent writing in this diary. Though, making that connection, I may instead want to write elsewhere.... It may behoove me to be more organized in my writing. Perhaps go for making a real blog....

I've made this an item in Notion to consider.

Timeblock

Time (PST)	Plan	Reality
0000	SLEEP
0030	SLEEP
0100	SLEEP
0130	SLEEP
0200	SLEEP
0230	SLEEP
0300	SLEEP
0330	SLEEP
0400	SLEEP
0430	SLEEP
0500	SLEEP
0530	SLEEP
0600	SLEEP
0630	Making lattes and breakfast
0700	Meditation
0730	Reading: Hold Me Tight	and Eating breakfast
0800	Morning routine
0830	Spaced-repetition
0900	Work: Maintenance
0930	Walk with wife
1000	Walk with wife
1030	Stretching
1100	Buffer
1130	Running 2.5 miles
1200	Lunch
1230	NAP	TV: YouTube Overwatch
1300	Meeting: FE Discussion	Blog: The Perfect Studying Routine
1330	Meeting: FE Discussion	NAP
1400	Buffer	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1430	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1500	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1530	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1600	Meeting: Mixpanel Meditation	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1630	Buffer	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1700	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1730	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1800	Buffer	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1830	Music with wife	Work: Data Classification Tasks
1900	Gaming: SSBM
1930	Hanging out	Gaming: SSBM
2000	Hanging out	Eating
2030	Winding down	Hanging out
2100	SLEEP
2130	SLEEP
2200	SLEEP
2230	SLEEP
2300	SLEEP
2330	SLEEP

Entertainment

SSBM is now a part of the timeblock template I start with each day. The goal is to play a bit everyday, and to drill certain capabilities. I may also start participating in tournaments.

Things have been going consistently well here. Entertainment consumption is more intentional. I may stop writing about it each morning.

Meditation (Day 26)

A month's worth of meditation approaches! Exciting.

I have unlocked a new, meditation-only ability: the desire to look at the timer results in a bodily reaction that soothes this desire. My internal sense of time is also fairly accurate, I think.

I think I may start learning the various hand poses (it seems they are called mudras). I am quite enjoying using the Dhyana (which seems to be the one to use for the daily meditation practice). They seem Anki worthy.