Timeblock
| Time (PST) | Plan | Reality |
|---|---|---|
| 0000 | SLEEP | |
| 0030 | SLEEP | |
| 0100 | SLEEP | |
| 0130 | SLEEP | |
| 0200 | SLEEP | |
| 0230 | SLEEP | |
| 0300 | SLEEP | |
| 0330 | SLEEP | |
| 0400 | SLEEP | |
| 0430 | SLEEP | |
| 0500 | SLEEP | |
| 0530 | SLEEP | |
| 0600 | SLEEP | |
| 0630 | Meditation | |
| 0700 | Cooking/eating breakfast | |
| 0730 | Reading: The Doors of Perception | |
| 0800 | Morning routine | Talking |
| 0830 | Spaced-repetition | Morning routine |
| 0900 | Spaced-repetition | Talking |
| 0930 | Stretching | Spaced-repetition |
| 1000 | Stretching | Birthday call with sister |
| 1030 | Maintenance: Notion Tasks | Birthday call with sister |
| 1100 | Maintenance: Notion Tasks | Walk with wife |
| 1130 | Buffer | Walk with wife |
| 1200 | Lunch | |
| 1230 | NAP | Lunch |
| 1300 | Buffer | NAP |
| 1330 | Birthday block | Stretching |
| 1400 | Birthday block | Stretching |
| 1430 | Birthday block | Maintenance: Notion Tasks |
| 1500 | Birthday block | TV: YouTube |
| 1530 | Birthday block | TV: YouTube |
| 1600 | Birthday block | TV: YouTube |
| 1630 | Buffer | Walk with wife |
| 1700 | Cooking block | TV: Central Park |
| 1730 | Cooking block | Cooking |
| 1800 | Buffer | TV: Legend of Korra |
| 1830 | Music with wife | |
| 1900 | Side-projects | TV: Legend of Korra |
| 1930 | Hanging out | TV: Legend of Korra |
| 2000 | Hanging out | TV: Legend of Korra |
| 2030 | Winding down | TV: Legend of Korra |
| 2100 | SLEEP | |
| 2130 | SLEEP | |
| 2200 | SLEEP | |
| 2230 | SLEEP | |
| 2300 | SLEEP | |
| 2330 | SLEEP |
Dream
I only remember things about my dream that are inappropriate to share here. I will save it in my private Notion, I think.
Meditation (Day 16)
There's more to talk about each day of meditation than I allow myself to write. Eventually this may slow down. In fact, I don't have much to say about anything that arose from today's insights. However, I do save various topics that I intend to eventually write about. So let's pick one that jumps out at me.
Ooh, "Anger without target". I can also talk about "sadness without target", which I experienced a bit the other day in my accidental analytic meditation.
Shortly into starting meditation, whilst walking for grocery shopping purposes, I was doing an initial stab at walking meditation. But my mind really wanted to dwell on political thoughts, and really wanted to be angry about it.
Both of which, by the way, are perfectly fine things. I mean, "dwelling", not so much, but ruminating on politics, and feeling one's emotions are both good things. They are not things I'm avoiding. They are things I want to interact with intently. I had not intended to think about politics, so I was guiding my mind back to the present.
But the emotion lingered, and the politics came back into view. So eventually, I decided to focus on the emotion, separate from the politics. The political thinking subsided. The anger became vivid and clear.
And by itself it was not in any way a negative thing. It was raw, it was pulsing. I could feel it vibrate over my body at a particularly slow rhythm. I could feel the waves across my skin. It probably took more than a second for one cycle of it.
By itself, it felt kind of amazing. By itself, I could also play with its intensity. I could summon it, and I could let it fade.
And even now I can kind of summon it, but it isn't as strong and it is difficult to maintain.
Sadness, too, is not itself negative. Though I already knew. Sadness to the point of tears is something I've found refreshing for a very long time. It is also something I have great difficulty holding onto. But as I observed it the other day, I got to understand it a little bit, I think. Not intimately. It is still a clumsy understanding. And when I try to summon the feeling now it is maybe slightly there, but much, much weaker than the anger I can summon.
I have trouble describing it, as well. It is sort of like a weight on my heart that pulls every part of me. Even with a very slight tug at the emotion, I can feel my eyes maybe getting ready to produce tears?
There's this kinda flow there. As though water were pouring down and overflowing at the heart. And as it flows it drains from me, and I feel... purified. Even with the tiny amount I can muster now.
This one will be harder to replicate, I think. Like, to really get a feel for it in the wild. Perhaps I should make a list of sad media and consume it at a regular interval. Really feel the sadness.
What is really interesting is how neight sadness not anger are really mutually exclusive with joy. This is, again, something I knew, but exploring them both together in the moment is something that is new to me, as well. I did very little of it with both the anger and the sadness that happened in the wild. I should try to really observe that myriad when the chance next arises.
30th Birthday, Woo!
I'm no longer in my 20s! It actually feels pretty good. I feel no dread or loss or anything like that. It feels like right before I turned 30 a whole bunch of things fell into place, and it just seems "right" that I'm turning 30 now.
We'll see if that feeling lasts.